During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
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Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
Self-cleaning conscience
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
