During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
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*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Checking my emails on Cyber Monday feels like walking through a mall where everything’s yelling at me.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Kidnapper: your coming with me
Me: * you’re
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not having a midlife crisis you’re just awake.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?