Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?

Me: <makes bigg sale>

Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????

Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

Them: What is wrong with you?

Me: How much time do you have?

I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”

I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.

As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.

As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??

My neighbor complained that he couldn’t afford his water bill. So I got him a get well soon card.

My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years

Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.