During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
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Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray
The Assassin.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition