Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into

My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

So creative 😂

“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”

Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.

Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…

If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich

[at the pub]

I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.

Her: Quit talking to me

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

Taco Bell: try this new thing

Me: what is it

TB: does it matter

Me: no I’ll take 3

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”

Me, scrolling to find my birth year

*knock knock*

“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”

“But I’m having a poo”

“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.