Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Me: okay, hit me

Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*

Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice

2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.

What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

There is no “five second rule”…

Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.

If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again

RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on

My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.

Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it

Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never!

[in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]

Leaving my son at college

Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning

Husband: Love ya bud

I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.

whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy

[Lab]

Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!

Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]

Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*

Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

Rock stars’ children have very strange names.

Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?

Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.

Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.