Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first

*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.

People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.

Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight

Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

If you had more money you’d be happier.

waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity

“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”

-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago

“Hello what’s your emergency?”

Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up

Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!

Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.