During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
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This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Raisins are grape jerky.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.