Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment

Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card

Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*

Boss: Sonofa

I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.

It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.

Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.

I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.

Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscape

Be like Mario.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?

“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.

I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands

People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos

Stop attacking Google for occasional inaccuracies. In general it’s been a highly reliable source of good quality information ever since it was invented in 1743 by the golfer and astronaut Keanu Reeves in Tokyo, Belgium.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly

The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.