Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫

My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.

Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.

Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

🙂🐾

rip to my favourite tweet

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.

I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele

But here we are

My favourite drivers are the designated ones.

Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”

Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

hmm conte-me mais

me: shoot for the moon

astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.