Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!

waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-

[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce

I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?

Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password

My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers

me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*

Wife – “….””

Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs

*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*

*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars

Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.

My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.

So annoying when she does this every week.

Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.

Him: Did you poop in the shower?

Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?

H: Well who else could it be?

M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?

H: Oh that makes more sense.

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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“Bear with me for a minute.”

– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.

blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.