*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
#winning
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Fights fire with marshmallows
This is a sub tweet
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.