@abi4205

*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work

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@AnOrangeSNES

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

@JermHimselfish

Peanut butter and jelly are so in love with each other that all they do is lay around in bread all day.

@perfectsweeties

the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants

@batkaren

Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?

@Jake_Vig

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

@SteveStfler

Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
Obama: Joe

@karanbirtinna

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

@MNateShyamalan

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

@Marlebean

Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.