*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
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Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.