Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[single drop of rain falls on ground]

Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.

Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”

*Deletes tweet*

*2 minutes later*

“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*

Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.

college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”

The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star

Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.

WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.

THERAPIST: is this true?

ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?

Wife: What did I ask you to do?

Me: Love you forever?

W:

M: Kill a man to defend you honor?

W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER

I was getting there.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak

Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.

[later]

Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?

My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.

Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!