[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
You Might Also Like
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar