Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…

Cashier: I love your lip gloss!

Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?