During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?![]()
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[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
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At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—