During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
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Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
stressed, standing 10th in line when car drives up outside w/ music so loud that whole store hears the thump of the bass
Random Guy Behind Me: I used to play music that loud but I was a teen. I grew out of it
Me: I’m just glad you hear it, too. I was afraid it was my heart beat
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.