During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door bc I’m not a liar.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
There should be a reality show where project managers try to meet outrageous deadlines while developers keep introducing new features.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]