During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
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Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Had an epiphany today.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*