During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
You Might Also Like
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.