Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

HOW TO BE A LAWYER:

Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.

i could never be president. im overqualified.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?

BATMAN: I right things.

I: What do you write?

B: I Right People’s Wrongs.

I: Oh so you’re an editor?

My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.

You can’t make me breathe heavy.

You aren’t a flight of stairs.

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you

ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?

Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.

Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.

Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.

I passed with flying carpets.

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

[date]

“don’t let her know ur from twitter”

Her: whats wrong?

Me: This fork only has 3 prongs

Her: So?

Me: it should be called a threek