Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!

Shoulder angel:

Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone

Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does

GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…

BAD COP: Or the hard way.

UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes

KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices

Me: Does that include salt and pepper?

KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices

“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.

When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that

why did we replace harmless white lies with therapy talk? i don’t need an essay about how you’re setting boundaries so you can’t make it tonight, just say your stomach hurts

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit

If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.

*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*

Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!