Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.

You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.

– Me, flirting.

That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.

Tuesday

Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)

DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.

Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”

Doctor: “40”

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.

Lmao

[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.

If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.

My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.

That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.

Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.