During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
You Might Also Like
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Cop: any alcohol or drugs, sir?
Me: No thanks, getting those things from a cop seems kinda setup-ish
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.