Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers

NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!

[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”

That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that