[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
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A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…