Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too

Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

“Fiona, You up?”

-Shrext.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker

I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward

I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.

“What was your favorite part of the trip?”

My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”

You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.

message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance