During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
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When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
can’t catch a break
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Ironic
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun