During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
