During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
What about a To-Don’t List?
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Kid: What’re you doing?
Me: Trying to decide whether I’d rather have a live-in housekeeper or a personal chef.
Kid: We can only have one?
She’s mastered this game.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
