During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
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We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
…..pretty much.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.