[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
You Might Also Like
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
bury ourselves
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
I respect the moon’s unwillingness to be photographed on a phone
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.