Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.

When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.

I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again

My wife says the kids look just like their father…

…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

The “baby” on the left….

My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.

A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.

Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.

My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.

There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.