Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed

Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.

*hands me a parachute*

My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.

To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…

Somebody has to say it.

GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.

How to unravel a sweater…

A thread 🧵

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

How do you stop a rhino from charging?

You take away its USB cable.

going to bed

To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.

Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

[arrest]

ME: you’ve got the wrong g-

COP: tell it to the judge

[court]

ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape