{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
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[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.