Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed

so much to do

I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.

I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.

Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.

I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.

Twitter: Yes you can.

My sex drive has a dui

Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?

HDMI

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”

Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”

Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”

Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”

Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”

When does CPR become necrophilia?

Therapist: What’s the issue?

Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club

Therapist: You want to talk about it?

Me: That’s right

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?

Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.