[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
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I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
🤣😂🤣😂
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.