Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?

ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force

CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.

HANSEL: He seems nice.

GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.

I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?

Me: only twice a year

Them: and how long does it last?

Me: 6 months

My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend

I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.

We’re not out of the woods yet.

Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.

My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party

She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered