During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”