Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?

1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat

my friend: w-why do u know that

me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*

[holding a séance]

“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”

What’sApp

Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …

*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*

Mom: Fish, honey!

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

[tavern]

Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?

Me: I’m gonna need more options.

Work crush came by to drop off zip ties while I was on the phone so I missed the opportunity to smile creepily and say “sorry we had to ask, I just don’t keep zip ties around… anymore.” Bc that’s how I flirt.

Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.

I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans

*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.

[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.