Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: hi, I’m Tom

me: nice to meet you uhh…

my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago

me: m…mom

If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”

i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making

Give a baker flours on your first date.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.

I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.

I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist