During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
it must be school picture day
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Sharon I have some bad news
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙♀️
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Breaking news:
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”