Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.

Me: Absolutely. Email me?

Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.

i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then

I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.

Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident

Like sleeping!

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

ALIEN: What is “January”?

ME: That’s a month… named after a god

ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god

ME: Actually, he was a Roman

ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman

ME: Actually, that named after a number

ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10

ME: Actually, 8

ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.