Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.

Robber: *is literally robbing my house*

My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls

Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”

Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?

Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.

Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.

– Alien Vs Creditor.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.

People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.

Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.

Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.

[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

Mormon cats have 9 wives.

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

based al yankovic

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter

I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”

I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

*trying a new meal*

Wife: how do you like it?

Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!