Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.

My favorite and only semi sane coworker just put in her two week notice this is more traumatic than my divorce

Dishonest mechanic?

🤣🤣

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work

He didn’t suffer, it was instant

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.

me: ah the house is so clean now

sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but I bet you’ve never asked yourself why we never saw them all together in the same place

Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.

Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?

14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.

He’s been off for 17 days.

Jesus: the bread is my body

Judas: *cutting carbs* I see

M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos

H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

Six months into the marriage Cinderella began finding stray glass slippers.

Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.

Cashier: That will be $82.07.

Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.

Cashier: That will be $82.03.

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons