Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.

Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.

*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*

This contest is hard

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”

“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”

“

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

Like a good neighbor

plow my driveway, not my wife

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.

If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff

He’d keep us in line

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.

The opposite of Iceland is water water

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.

If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.