Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

had to share :’)

Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”

Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…

Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!

but nooooo, he’s still alive

Me: I’m going to be so productive today!

Apple Screen Time Report: LOL

A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

I remember the time we were at a Restaurant, and my wife told me she was going to have A Baby! …And I decided just to have the Soup of the Day ..

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it

*how fights start*

me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident

him: it’s obvious

me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.

Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,

What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?

Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.

Chick Peas can hummus one.

CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?