Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other

I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

[first day as a lawyer]

CLIENT: you’re fired

ME: was it my opening rap or the –

CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes

can I use a minion as a tampon

it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.

[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?

*swallows pride*

*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*

The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

that would 100% work on me

https://video.twimg.com/amplify_video/1816008239500169216/vid/avc1/682x1188/u3PwNVoM1y_alf4y.mp4?tag=16

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

*adds resume embellisher to resume*

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*

A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”

Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.

It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile

Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit

Horrifying, yet familiar

Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.