[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
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My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.