Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY

doing your own taxes

keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.

When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.

Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.

Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her

Meatloaf is a good safe word.

It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

*planning family vacation*

Me: So what about camping?

Them: We love camping!

Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough

“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”

-Me, to my laundry basket.

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.

Legacy implies the existence of armacy.

i don’t care if it’s AI or an immigrant i desperately need someone to take my job, it is killing me

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.

Don’t talk down to me

ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir

Science memes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.

I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.