[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
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My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Selfie
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.