[during sex]
Can you pass the mashed potatoes?
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Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
Me: I’m not old
My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.