Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

The horror of being warned that the person you’re about to meet is “fine once you get to know them”

Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago

me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in

wife: is it a bird?

me: yeah

mangled superman:

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.

*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card

It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.

People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat

I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.

Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake

Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable

*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that

I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions