Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁

My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.

ME: I’m taking it back.

WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.

ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP

Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”

NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet

Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes