Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.

My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.

I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize

I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

adam and eve had first world problems

WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause

WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

I lost my voice.

If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Succinctly put.

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

How your email finds me

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

My apartment is a mess, I should move

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.