Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”

— Advent door 21

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now

When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.

Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.

Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters

today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize

Every work call, he judges.

One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”

This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.

THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.

I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.

If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]

[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”

VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”