Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How would you describe yourself.”

Me – I absolutely would not.

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them

Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.

Damn chess infection 😕

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

[On a road trip]

Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!

Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”

When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

This is I, Robot all over again

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.

I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

I think we might have to review our policy on emotional support animals.