[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
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If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.
Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.
Piper is a cat.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”