Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.

Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

I falcon love using swear birds

Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swords

How about your kid?

Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.

Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

Made some terrible life choices the last few years.

Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.

I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.

The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.

My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search

5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”

“It’s a moving truck.”

“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”

Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?

Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by