Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.

Crisis averted, for now.

“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”

There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”

If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

shop assistant: do you need help?

me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”

They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.