[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
January has been Januweary
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss