During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
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im getting some exciting spam emails lately
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”