Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you accidentally say french kiss instead of chef’s kiss to the server and now you can never show your face in that restaurant again.

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket

[Headless Horseman birthday party]

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.

8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?

Me: I want you to do some chores.

8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.

Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?

YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.

CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

neighborhood watch

Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

Wife: Have you seen my razor?

Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?

Blocking someone isn’t enough, I want their shirt to catch on a door handle

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.