During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
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I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
finally
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Dear Lord..
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
💁🏻♂️
Wow planes really have bad luck on that day
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.