Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.

I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right

My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.

professor x: whats your superpower?

ostrich: i lay big egg

professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast

ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale

What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?

In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.

I’ll have a whiskey.

“On The Rock?”

Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?

[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]

“This one’s free, buddy.”

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.

Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.

*start packing up my battery collection*

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.

Lmao

Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”