*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
You Might Also Like
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
consequences, the bane of my existence
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u